Black or White?

Yeh Sorry Sorry kya hai - Yeh Maafi Maafi kya hai!!!

Why should one apologise?

How should one apologise?

Should we have an "Apologising day" like all other days?

Well here is my take on that! - Prevention is always better than cure!

Always ensure you don't get into a situation where you need to apologise. I know - its easier said than done, but don't worry at all - sometimes the best of us make mistakes and the age old saying of :

"To err is human - to forgive is divine!"

However, even this is easier said than done. One can apologise and offer their regret, But, until the two people involved communicate with each other - there is no way to move forward.

Be it Salman Khan who doesn't want to apologise for his uttering the comments not befitting of a star like him, or one friend saying or doing something that may have caused great harm to the other friend.

One thing is for sure - Apologies should be accepted only if sincere - Another reason for having a forgiving attitude is so that it is always good to be the bigger person - and by accepting the apology and ensuring that the Apologising person is given a chance to become a better person.

However the other course that is becoming increasingly popular in India is of demanding an apology - which is in totally in contrast to the meaning of apologise.

According to the Cambridge dictionary - apologise means "to tell someone that you are sorry for having done something that has caused problems or unhappiness for them"

And sorry means "feeling sadness, sympathy, or disappointment, especially because something unpleasant has happened or been done"

So in other words - if the opposite person feels bad about it and disappointed for the act or omission then it makes sense to accept or tender such apologies - but if the person who allegedly wronged is neither remorseful nor regretful of his acts or omissions - then why apologise at all.

Forgiveness is a very strong emotional form of love, it takes a strong person to say SORRY and an even stronger person to FORGIVE.

People who make the mistake - really feel bad - if they love the person whom they have wronged unknowingly or unintentionally. They feel bad because they made the person whom they care about so much - unbelievably sad.

Invisible Tears of sorrow cross the face and they sincerely wish they didn't do what they did and are even willing, if possible, to take their loved one's place and solve it for them - alas - role play is only for theatre :)

To be in such a situation is a curse in itself and probably one of the times when not responding to an apology is a BIG PUNISHMENT in itself.  

"I am sorry" --------------------------- is a statement.

"I won't do it again"------------------- is a promise.

"How do I make it up to you" ------- is a responsibility.

I do not know the perfect way to apologise - but I know one thing for sure - to apologise and make up if you really think that person is important for you in your life.

If Salman Khan cares for the thousands of women who felt bad about what their favourite star has quoted - he will apologise - if he thinks they aren't important for them - he won't apologise. Simple!

As someone I know closely and respect a lot once said - don't think about the past, don't worry about the future - just live in the present... and always be happy.

Finally - on the issue of whether we need an Apologising Day / Sorry Day - its an interesting marketing idea for Archies and Hallmark to exploit - but until then no day is a bad day to say sorry to someone you love and care about - be it Salman Khan or me...

So - - - A big Sorry - if this didn't make sense at all :):):) - just an honest attempt at the logic behind saying sorry and the immense divinity in forgiving people we care about.

Being happy – creating happy moments – essence of life!

Someone asked me this very important question - Why should someone lie?

That prompted me to ask some questions and I started a small journey to see for myself what is true and what is not!

Is it that bad to lie? Is saying the truth always the best way forward?

Is saying the truth the only simple way forward?

So I went about listing some situations when lying is good

• When we are delaying the inevitable:

At times, this may involve lying to a child. If a kid's mother was suffering from cancer I would say she is not well, or if she was killed in a not so nice to understand manner, I'd just lie to the kid and say she was in an accident. The child’s brain has yet to understand how to digest ghastly incidents and that in almost all cases, it's just better to gloss things over. Explanations can always be given at a more appropriate age for the kid.

• When we prevent harm:

Ex-hypothesi - a terrorist asks me if I'm Indian, I'm gonna start muttering in Sinhalese or Bengali and try to say I am not an Indian. 

Similarly I know several people who lie about their region to ensure no harm is caused – some lie about their religion, some lie about their marital status – to prevent harm for themselves or to get accomodation - Makaan - one of the basic necessities of life along with Roti and Kapda!

• When it’s a question of national security.

Sorry, I don't want RAW or the three forces or the I B or Defence or Home Ministry mentioning only the truth in public. I would like them to be lying except to the Cabinet / Parliament and the Prime Minister and President). 

• To make certain comfort through specific social circumstances.

I have a huge reputation amongst my friends and family as being callously truthful.

When I get gifts (a friend gifted me some European tea, and I said, "You are delightful and appreciate your gesture, but I won't lie. I don’t drink tea," and thus, my friends know I won't beat around things and they come to me for honest solutions) or when my opinion is solicited (my aunt invested time and energy painting a bedroom a horrible shade of green, she asked everybody, and they said, "Oh, it's wonderful," when she asked me, I said, "Aunty. It's not cool. Get someone to sponge a bit over the paint with some white; it'll look better may be…" She appreciated my honesty and took the advice).

But there are some situations, similar to those we discussed in the first case about the children, where family members are kept away from the truth just to ensure sanity in their lives as well as ours. A best example is when a father doesn’t tell his grown up son how much loan he owes the bank, just to ensure he doesn’t get stressed out and change his career plans. Another example is when a student bunks college and goes home and acts as if everything is normal and he was in the college whole day long. A good student definitely shares with his parents when they are in the right mood and doesn’t make a habit out of it. Similarly – there are stuff the husbands don’t tell wives about (may be a lot) and wives don’t tell husbands about ( may be little lesser in our country J) and when enquired about such secretive stuff – the inevitable lie or snub comes around. This is to ensure parity in the living circumstances…but is this the right way? I am no one to judge or infer – it is just a gentle banter to show that LIFE DOESN’T GET COMPLICATED JUST BECAUSE WE DON’T BE BRUTALLY HONEST. And life is not simple when we are brutally honest either!

Apprehensions shouldn’t run our life – isn’t it?

As David Wolfe says – “…Create as many passionate, happy moments as possible – Don’t let anyone stop you from doing the things you love – not even yourself.”

                I love the last three words – Not even yourself.

Once you grow up and are in your thirties – there are so many social barriers and constraints to do what you like in life – please try and ensure YOU DON’T STOP YOURSELF FROM BEING HAPPY.


 P.S : an interesting article - not a supporter of the whole piece - but like it in parts..
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/05/when-is-it-ok-to-lie_n_5227369.html -
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Notes on Ethics and Leadership

I had the opportunity to listen to Venerable Tenzin Priyadarshi give a talk on "Becoming on Extraordinary Leader: Transforming yourself to transform others” at a Manthan event at Saptaparini, Hyderabad. I was really inspired by the way he spoke and decided to take notes for myself. I realized that perhaps others could also benefit from these notes. I am sharing these notes, just to serve as a reminder of what I heard. My intention is to apply my learning from this in my life.

Ven. Priyadarshi started with some history of why business schools in the US began to look at providing ethics training:

·         The financial meltdown lead to criticism of business schools because they are not creating leaders only better managers. It is then that universities started looking at gaps and began to look at what decisions lead to lack of ethics

·         Also because of this criticism, many universities started programs on ethics and initially, these programs were offered so that the university had a better image or for better PR. Early on, business schools only had about three days of “compliance" training in a typical 2-year MBA program.

Some background on how ethics are imparted traditionally:

·         When one looks at overall trajectory of ethics and ethical training, individuals either adhere to ethics as religious rituals or are doing it in dogmatic manner

·         It is also seen that family systems, which were the original way in which ethics were being imparted, are breaking apart.

·         Most schools don't have any ethics training. In places where they do (theoretically) have values education, it is often treated as "free time"

·         Universities had ethics 101 and it's just a boring class where you study history of ethics etc.

·         There are no formal systems for ethics training

·         In professional life, people go through training for learning legal practices but nothing on ethics. One example of that is medical doctors who just learn to legally safeguard themselves.

He went deeper into ethics:

·         Most civic societies have tried to have some systems but no one has tried to train in ethics

·         Mechanisms of prescriptive methods don't work. Places where moral codes and things such as good habits vs. bad habits are dictated often fail.

Then he began asking, why even be ethical?

·         In any complex system one of the ways you build consensus is when people have respect for one and other

·         When any organizational systems are studied, more values if placed on them when people in these organizations are willing to work together

·         He gave an example of a colleague who studied drug cartels. It was found that the cartels are cohesive loyal organizations. They have the highest standards of ethics because they realize that when they move away from ethical behaviour, the result is loss of lives or loss of money

Ven. Priyadarshi began studying ethics out of a curiosity. He began to wonder of how the idea of ethics came into leadership

·         He began asking, how do we utilize ethics? How do we design systems beneficial for humanity

·         He also began wondering, how organizations can be ethical?

·         In organizations, if rules of conduct are created, then there is no buy-in. Usually, the governing boards try to set up some codes, but people in these organizations don't understand why they have to adhere to these codes.

·         What is the impetus that drives an organization to be ethical? Ven. Priyadarshi said that in reality individuals are the ones who inspire others through their behaviour

·         When we seek to bring about bringing change, we need to focus on individuals rather than on changing complex systems

Why is it than an individual should be ethical?

·         No blanket statement can be given on ethics. In a multi-cultural organization, one thing may be ethical for some and unethical for others..

·         He narrated an example. He said “imagine truth is one of your highest values. Imagine sitting in a cafe and having coffee. Just then you see a guy well-dressed running into an alley. Later your see others coming with weapons who show you a photograph of that guy and ask you if you saw him.

·         As an individual your value is telling truth. He then took a poll as to how many will tell truth? He then gave the option of “I haven’t seen that guy” and most people raised their hands for that option.

·         He said that we are often faced with ethical dilemmas and we are presented with challenges where we make value trade offs

·         Usually it’s between telling truth vs. little white lie

·         These are decisions we have to make on a regular basis and our ethics depend on what kind of value tradeoffs we are willing to do

·         Difficult to be absolute in ethical parameters. We have to decide what values we hold at higher priority

·         The notion that we learn ethical behavior from experience is not true.. If we are unethical for one behavior we will be unethical in others

How to be ethical?

• Ethical training is process of deeper transformation. People only ethical if they believe that will lead to a useful outcome that they can live with
• If you are ethical you are happier unethical behaviors leads to anxiety..
• If we have to be ethical we have to recognise what kind of lifestyle we wish to choose.
• Human beings are prone to compartmentalised behavior, for example: we are comfortable to lie in a work environment but expect people at home to be honest. We teach kids to be honest.
• If we as a society believe that unethical behaviour leads to success then why are we teaching kids honesty? Shouldn't we make them masters at lying and cheating?
• We want others to be honest because It's ok for us to lie but we don't want to be lied to
• We first need to acknowledge that our lives are compartmentalized and complex.
• We need to have a sense of more informed decision making
• In the long term, we need to decide what we want to see in society. We can't say system is corrupt because we are the system.
• Change in system is not to be left to future generations. We need to introduce ethical values

·         What does this have to do with leadership?

• Ethics and real change is not about talking for better world it's about changing oneself.
• This change happens one day at a time.
• The risks we take with reorienting our values may be uncomfortable
• Reorienting values is a challenge because most people believe that they are honest and kind.
• It's a challenge of rationalization.
• If you are truly an honest kind individual then it will ooze out of your system and your behavior will also be contagious
• It's important to not give into the stories that I am a kind individual. We need to see our behavior.
• Process of self-transformation becomes the method through which transformation of communities and individuals can happen
• Human beings are reflective by nature and they question themselves
• Most examples we see of good corporate governance can be traced down to good individuals. This works much better than writing a vision and mission statement
• Process of transformation begins with individual and not with groups
• The challenge in transforming oneself to transform the others is that we are too quick to judge others but we seldom look at ourselves
• Because we live in civic society that's contagious, whether you like it or not, you are a role model. Sometimes you are an active role model sometimes a passive role model. It becomes our responsibility to show our behavior. You have to decide what kind of role model do you wish to become. There is always someone who is watching you.
• Ethics are not magic, you have to cultivate. If you go through an assessment you will know where your strengths and weaknesses are.
• One of the challenges of human behavior is that we also seek validation and most times we only associate with people who validate our behavior.

Make sure assessments are not rooted in self-doubt. Leadership cannot be rooted in self-doubt

A father's work ethic is the cement that binds the bricks of the family together!

I clearly and distinctly remember this day the 20th of July as much as I remember my son's or wife's or mom's birthday. It had a great significance...in my life - or shall I say in giving me life.

It was this day way back in 1977, that my dad joined the profession he wanted to and it was something he believed would change his life forever. Change it did and how?

He joined the Reserve Bank of India at its Hyderabad office and life turned for him. Being a mathematician by education, he always wanted to join either the academic institutions or RBI, in those days banking was considered a great career choice especially if it was the federal / central bank of  India.

As always in the 70s arranged marriage was the norm and my dad and mom's arriage was arranged by some common relatives. I was informed by my maternal grandmom that one of the the main reasons for the alliance to be finalised was my dad's job! So you see, I do owe a bit of my existence to the Reserve Bank of India - haha.

I believe that the first time I knew about the importance of this date was in 1987 - I was in my third grade and my dad had taken us out for a fantastic dinner at Paradise. He told me with great pride that it was in this day way back in 1977 that he first joined the bank and we were celebrating his first decade in RBI. I thought it was very cool. But what I thought was cooler was the fact that my dad always ensured he gave something away for the needy on that day. It struck a chord with me too and to this day I always try and do something good on this day in his memory.

The work ethic that my dad had was phenomenal...I never saw him take an off just to stay back and relax in the house. He always used to ensure he reached office before time, every work day. I donot remember a single instance where we were late for anything. Punctuality was a quality he instilled in me just by being himself. Of course my mom contributed to his sense of time as she herself was very time conscious too. "Samayo rakshati rakshitaha" meaning; come what may, if we respect time, then time will be kind to us. I follow this principle to this day and it helps me so much in trying to lead a stress-free and happy life.

I never saw him take a leave for himself, he always put family before self. He ensured that his leaves always are used either during my school holidays or when my mom needed his help during  family weddings or before important festival days. This was another message which I understood very well - family always comes first. Work is important but you should always remember that its the family's happiness that you work so hard for.

There were also several instances of him being in a position of authority by virtue of his designation and the department he used to work for, but not once had I seen him take the slightest of help from anyone because of his official capacity. He kept himself clean and ensured that living a simple life is the best way to ensure happiness for a long term. Another of his qualities which motivates me to be incorruptible as well...in spite of so many temptations (sic) in the present day world.

Some of the traits that most successful heads of family have is their dedication to work. And the way to measure success according to me is to see how happy the family is? If you have earned millions but the family is not happy about it at all, then that may not be the ideal way of moving forward in life. But at the same time if you have successfully ensured that the entire family is happy with the the way things have materialised as a result of one's work showing how much the work has contributed to this happiness, then Bingo! You have made it!

A small blog will never be enough for me to write about how my father has influenced my day to day activities, but surely it may serve as a snippet.

Miss you dad on this wonderful day! I promise to try and be happy as often as I can!

A Royal Salute to your integrity and work ethic! Love you and I am sure you are spreading joy wherever you are!

Embezzlement by Teesta and her husband Javed Anand.


Between FY 2003-04 and FY 2013-14 (10 years) Sabrang Trust and Citizens for Justice and Peace (CJP) together received a total amount of Rs. 9.7 crore. It is alleged that 39.5% of this total amount was transferred to the personal accounts of Teesta Setalvad and Javed Anand. The break-up of the same according to the figures of the Investigating Officer are:

Sr No	Particulars	Amount (Rs.)	% of total receipts of Sabrang Trust and CJP	Average (over 10 years) payments/reimbursements per month	Remarks
1	Salary/honorarium to Teesta Setalvad	46,91,250	4.8	Around Rs. 39,000 p.m.	The payments to Teesta Setalvad were not as trustee but for her executing projects as per signed agreements with donor agencies.
2	Salary/honorarium to Javed Anand	28,34,804	2.9	Around 23,500 p.m.	The payments to Teesta Setalvad were not as trustee but for her executing/administering projects as per signed agreements with donor agencies.
3	Reimbursement of shared office expenses to Sabrang Communications and Publishing Pvt. Ltd. (SC&P)	1,69,84,669	17.5	Around Rs. 1,40,000 p.m. OR an average of Rs.70,000 p.m. each for the two trusts.	Formed in 1993, Sabrang Communications was provided rent-free office space (around 700 sq ft carpet area) by Mr. Atul Setalvad, father of Teesta Setalvad. Sabrang Trust was formed in late 1995 but became active only from 2003 onwards. CJP was formed in 2002. Between 1993 and 2002, Sabrang Communications spent lakhs of rupees on office renovation, furniture and fixture, air-conditioning, 12 computers, printers, photocopier, scanners, books and videos etc. It also hired and trained a team of 10 staff members. The trustees of Sabrang Trust and CJP (other than Teesta and Javed) wanted to save on infrastructure and establishment expenses of their respective trusts. Further, the 10 member staff team (excluding Teesta and Javed had been trained in addressing the issue of communalism (Sabrang Communications published the magazine ‘Communalism Combat’). Since communalism was also a principal concern for Sabrang Trust (advocacy and secular education in schools) and CJP (legal intervention), the trustees wishing to save on staff costs also, the two trusts entered into a costs-sharing arrangement with Sabrang Communications (SC). Expenses on staff and office infrastructure were initially incurred by SC and a mutually agreed upon percentage of total expenses incurred by SC was reimbursed reimbursed by Sabrang Trust and CJP. An average monthly expense of Rs. 70,000 over 10 years by each trust on shared staff AND office expenses (electricity, telephone, mobile, internet bills, repair/maintenance/renovation/upgrading of office premise/equipments cannot be considered excessive. Not a rupee was ever charged as rent to either of the trusts, neither Teesta nor Javed benefited even by a rupee through the costs-sharing agreements through frequently reviewed and revised decisions of the other trustees.
4	Cash withdrawals	1,08,73,782	11.2	Around Rs. 90,000 p.m., OR an average of Rs. 45,000 p.m. each for the two trusts.	Through his allegation the investigating officer has effectively confirmed that over the years, only 11.2% of the expenses of the trusts were incurred through cash payments, while the remaining 88.8 % was through cheque payments. No organisation in the world can operate without petty cash expenses.
5	Reimbursement for expenses through credit card of Teesta Setalvad	26,33,105	2.7	Around Rs. 36,500 p.m. over a 6 year period OR Rs. 18,250 p.m. each for the two trusts.	Teesta has provided documentation to establish that only those expenses pertaining to the activities of Sabrang Trust and CJP were claimed from and reimbursed by the two trusts. No personal expenses incurred through her personal credit card was ever charged to the trusts. The same has also been confirmed by the auditors of Sabrang Trust and auditors of CJP.
6	Reimbursement for expenses through credit card of Javed Anand	3,33,016	0.3	Around Rs. 4,600 p.m. over a 6 year period OR Rs. 2,300 p.m. each for the two trusts.	Javed has provided documentation to establish that only those expenses pertaining to the activities of Sabrang Trust and CJP were claimed from and reimbursed by the two trusts. No personal expenses incurred through his personal credit card was ever charged to the trusts. The same has also been confirmed by the auditors of Sabrang Trust and auditors of CJP.
7	Total amounts alleged transferred/utilized for personal expenses by Teesta Setalvad and Javed Anand	3,85,00,896	39.5
8	Total funds received by Sabrang Trust and CJP between FY 2003-04 and FY 2013-14.	9,74,75,100	100

love you mom

"The more I grow old, the more I realise my mom's love for me was the most unconditional and she was my best friend ever"

I believe there is a super sub species to homo sapiens, and all mothers belong to that super sub species...may be it can be "homo sapiens maternalis".

the super sub species are known to have the below qualities which no other human being has:

- live for their offspring selflessly
- their love for their children grows by the minute
- most protective of their children
- provide the best life for their children
- sacrifice their own time, career, happiness, for that of their kids
- never ask for anything in return
- only know the way to "give"
- they seldom complain and even when they complain its only for the good of their children, not themselves...


The list goes on and on and on - I could write for innumerable pages...

This reminds me of the discussion that Phoebe and Joey have in the all time hit TV series "FRIENDS" - - - is there a truly selfless act in this world...

I will have to say yes - - - mother's love for their children is truly selfless.

Each day without complaints, when my mom used to wake up before everyone else in the house, prepare breakfast, take care of my shortcomings, encourage me, motivate me, guide me, mentor me, love me, and make me who I am... there was nothing she expected.

A mother's love for the kid begins even before the baby is born...and lasts through the time and difficulties and differences and many days of joy and many days of sorrow - winding, wearing, weeping, changing, caring, sharing,

Motherhood is the place where all the love begins and ends

A mother understands what her children do not say -

A mother's love perceives no impossibilities - so much so that I can feel her love even from another world!

Love you mom - have a wonderful 57th birthday!